Decline

“Would you be interested in taking your grandmother’s dining room table?” my father asks.

I pause, and switch the phone to my other ear. Many others must have already declined, as I am by no means the first in line for an acquisition such as this, and I quickly count at least six older relatives who could have claimed it before me. I realize, mid-count, that my father is still talking.

“It wouldn’t be just the table; it also comes with a lovely hutch. I think whoever takes it will have to take the both of them, as a set.”

I try to picture the table. It is rectangular, I can recall that much. Long—dominating my grandmother’s (admittedly small) dining room. Most likely designed to seat six to eight comfortably, although when we were there it often had ten to twelve people crammed elbow to elbow around its perimeter. So many side to side that if your seat was against the wall, opposite the door, you knew you were in for the night. My sisters and I, at younger ages, would take bathroom breaks or steal time outside by escaping under the table, crawling below, past denim and sneakers, pantyhose and heels, to make a run for it.

The visuals fail me. Instead, the sounds at the table come forward, large and loud. Not to verify a stereotype, but with ten-plus Irish-Italian New Yorkers and Jersey residents packed in a small space, the conversation quickly went up in volume, and down in decorum. One year, after my aunt recalled a childhood story that depicted Nana in a less-than-flattering light, Nana called her an asshole in front of the crowd – all in good fun, of course. Insulting (and politically incorrect) nicknames from my father’s childhood inevitably would be used (often as a term of endearment) before the meal was through. And during the multiple simultaneous conversations, there was always the additional cacophony of silverware clinking on plates, new dishes to pass—family style—from the kitchen, more drinks to pour.

Memories of sound give way to recollections of taste. What stands out about Nana’s table, despite the years, was what was always served on it. There were rules to the menu at Nana’s, unchanging, regardless when we visited. Whether we made the trek to suburban New Jersey from Pennsylvania on the day after Christmas, or a random July afternoon during our summer vacation, we knew there would be some variation of the standards:

Roast pork with sauerkraut and “new” white potatoes (extra salty from a can), coated with so many drippings from the meat that their undersides turned dark.

Spaghetti with meat sauce—the meatballs and sausage variety, not the ground beef/Bolognese style. Green salad was served after the main course, as a palate cleanser, and always with crusty Italian bread to dip.

A side dish of pickled beets with pickled onions – regardless of entrée. For many years, I would try to get to the dish before my sisters, so I could devour all of the beets myself, only realizing in my later childhood years that Nana and I were the only ones who would partake.

Red jello, strawberry or cherry, served in parfait cups or with individual servings scooped out of a casserole dish.

Chocolate sheet cake with white icing. Each square slice was then to be cut in half and inverted so the icing would be on the inside, like a filling. This would then be eaten with one’s hands.

And, for most of my childhood, a thick fog of cigarette smoke hung over the table, curlicueing up from several ashtrays placed strategically around the spread, seeping into our clothes and hair, so that our pillow cases, the morning after our visit, would smell of smoke. Gradually, over the years, the number of smokers dwindled, until my step-grandfather was the only one – and even then, he would often go outside to light up.

It had been years, though, since I last had a meal at my grandmother’s house. In fact, the final time I had sat at the table, there hadn’t been anything from the standard menu at all.

It had been about a decade ago, on a trip to New Jersey with Andy, my then-boyfriend, now husband, for the sole purpose of introducing him to my paternal side of the family. It was a rare visit without my parents or my sisters. And I had called my nana a few weeks in advance, told her we would be in the area, and asked if we could have a meal with her.

“No,” was the unexpected answer. “I’m just not up for it.”

We hadn’t known it at the time, but the initial signs of Alzheimer’s were starting to show. She knew it. Her husband knew it. But she didn’t want us to know it. And if she were expected to cook a big meal, everyone else would discover what was, at that time, her own private realization.

So instead we went to her home for a low-key visit, buffered by my cousin and his wife, presenting a dozen doughnuts and a carafe of coffee we picked up on the way over. The six of us sat at the dining room table. It seemed excessively roomy, with plenty of elbow room and more than enough space to stretch out. No one smoked. The room I associated with noise and crowding was oddly quiet and spacious, and I found this otherwise-normal setting bewildering.

Or, truthfully, perhaps I worried because of her initial rejection, wondering whether I had offended her and her husband, if somehow, by coming with a partner and not my parents, if I had upset the natural order of things.

We snacked off paper plates, no silverware needed. Bob, Nana’s husband, showed Andy his latest woodworking creations, several of which were displayed on the neighboring hutch. Nana told Andy a few stories about me as a toddler – stories I had never heard before. And after about an hour, we left.

The phone line is quiet as my father waits for my response.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Let me think about it.”

Read the full essay at The Grief Diaries.

Ain’t no party like a Twitter party…

This photo shows a person checking a smartphone

Hi again, writers!

Great to see you at the Muse today!

As Hannah and I mentioned during our Muse and the Marketplace panel, we’d love to host a Twitter party with all of you in the near future. Featuring live website critiques, Q&A, and additional social media tips, our Twitter party will give you a chance to put your new social media skills to work!

Before we can get going–and send you a proper invite with details–we need a little bit of feedback. Please take a few minutes to share your feedback in our Twitter Chat post-Muse survey. We’ll compile the preferences and follow up — more to come!

Take the Finding and Growing Your Online Audience/Twitter Chat Survey here.

#muse15

Photo courtesy Death to the Stock Photo

Finding and Growing Your Online Audience

This photo shows Hannah Harlow and Sarah Pascarella, presenters at the Muse and the Marketplace 2015

Looking to increase your presence on social media? Here’s the presentation that Hannah Harlow and I put together for the 2015 Muse and the Marketplace:

FINDING AND GROWING YOUR ONLINE AUDIENCE

as well as the list of resources every writer should use when getting started online.

Have further questions? Tweet to me @PascarellaSarah or Hannah @hhharlow!

 

 

Social Media Resources for Writers

This photo shows a pair of glasses by a keyboard

In advance of tomorrow’s Muse and the Marketplace panel, I wanted to share a few helpful resources toward finding and building your online audience. Fellow writers, bookmark these for future reference!

Of course, this list is by no means comprehensive — it’s just a starter to get things going as you start promoting your work and building your online readership!

Which social media and online promotion sites have you found particularly helpful? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment!

Photo courtesy Death to the Stock Photo

Come to my Muse and the Marketplace panel!

This photo shows a man typing on a laptop

Hey there, writers! No plans on Friday, May 1? Say around 11:45 a.m.?

Come to my panel with Hannah Harlow, Finding and Growing Your Online Audience, at the 2015 Muse and the Marketplace at the Boston Park Plaza! We’ll be discussing author websites, which social media platforms make sense for you, how to build your social community, and more.

We’re also planning to do a live critique of fellow authors’ websites. If you’d like to submit yours for consideration, tweet your website link to me @PascarellaSarah and we’ll consider it for inclusion in the panel!

Photo courtesy Death to the Stock Photo