I’m With Her

This photo shows voters' legs and feet behind red-white-and-blue striped voting booth curtains on election day

Watching our former Secretary of State debate a former reality TV star, so far below her in intelligence, demeanor, and dignity, I felt great admiration and respect for her superhuman composure. Rage at his narcissism and outright contempt for his opponent, her supporters, and the entire political process. Appreciation that, as the first female candidate for President, Hillary Clinton was willingly taking on this slog, so those afterward won’t have to. Sadness that, in 2016, this is how ugly the slog still is, for those who dare to be first.

Donald Trump claims the election is rigged because Clinton is “even allowed to run”, but he has it all wrong. It is he who is the audacious one, one so outrageous to claim that a zero-experience buffoon could be competent at the most complex, nuanced, and responsible role in our country, and perhaps the world.

As John Oliver so aptly put it, perhaps Trump is an appropriate final hurdle for Clinton to pass en route to the Presidency, to have to defeat “the final boss”, a living embodiment of her entire career’s worth of sexism, privilege, entitlement, and incompetence in one bloviating, grabby body.

I hope we never witness another debate–or campaign–like we saw this year. I hope no candidate has to endure the indignities Hillary Clinton (and, by extension, the 17 GOP rivals) did. I hope, over the coming years, a powerful female leader becomes normalized in the eyes of the press and the public, so we can get down to business.

Because, if this election has taught us anything, it’s that we have a lot of work to do.

I, for one, am ready to work. I’m with her.

Photo courtesy Michael Rosenstein via Flickr Creative Commons

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Sneak Peek: What I’ve Been Working On

About this time last year, my uncle approached me. He had been working on a graphic novel based on his mother’s life, and he had writer’s block.

Would you help me write it? he asked.

I thought about it. It’s a difficult story, one that would be painful to research and write. I knew it would be upsetting, both for me to work on and for others to read.

But it’s also a good story, one with all the big themes: Love, marriage, family, regret. Freedom of choices and social expectations. Religion and morality. Kindness and cruelty.

I’m in, I said.

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We knew we wouldn’t be able to find answers to everything we wanted to cover. We’d need to fill in some gaps.

So we decided to fictionalize–keep the core of the story intact, while changing names, places, and details as needed.

We got started in earnest in January 2016, and took three months to research, interview other family members, plot out a timeline. In March, we had a title. In April, we created an outline. I wrote from April through August, and we revised collaboratively along the way.

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Here’s the potential jacket copy:

For most of his life, Rick’s mother shared nothing about her childhood. While she never spoke of her years before marriage and motherhood, her frequent depressive episodes, use of corporal punishment, and erratic behavior betrayed a foundation of abuse, neglect, and vulnerability. Like his many siblings, Rick attempted to connect with his mother any way she’d allow, and resigned that he’d never learn about her past.

But unexpectedly, in the summer of Rick’s 30th year, Pat asked him to serve as her executor, and traveled to spend a weekend at his home to complete the paperwork. During that visit, she poured out her memories, never heard before—or ever again afterward.  

Stony Road is a story of lineage: the mysteries of our parents, and the desire to understand the forces that shaped them (and, by extension, us). It’s a story of regret and acceptance, resignation and survival. And—despite appearances—it’s a love story, the maddening, persistent, confounding love that only comes with blood and family.  

In September, Rick started the artwork.

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More to come…

All images copyright Rick Stromoski

Life-Changing Art: Carol Shields

This photo shows a pile of stones in all different sizes and colors

In December 2012, I finished grad school and, months later, was still astonished at my newfound free time. Evenings and weekends were now mine; gone were the days of syllabi and required reading, papers, and the dreaded thesis.

By June, my student loans had kicked in. The bills were anticipated, but it was still a shock to my early-twenties salary. Budgeting was essential. So reading–as entertainment, as community, as mental stimulation in the absence of regular classes–became more important than ever.

After years as a student, I now had the freedom to read books of my own choosing. So I eagerly re-entered the “reading as pleasure” world, taking time with each new book, feeling a bit stunned on reading each one for its own sake, and not being required to dissect each one for a grade or presentation.

At my non-taxing day job, I often had NPR’s “Fresh Air” on in the background. On July 18, they re-aired an interview with writer Carol Shields from the previous year. The occasion? Shields’s passing, the day before.

Shields’s voice grabbed me first–her assured timbre, her authoritative eloquence. Within a minute, I had stopped working and was completely under her spell for the entire half hour.

I had found a new subject for independent study.

That evening, I went to the library and took out The Stone Diaries, and tried not to devour it. It was more than I could have hoped for, a quiet yet sweeping whole-life story with exquisite prose. The interview had been just a prequel to Shields’ fierce intelligence and insightful perspective–and I now had a whole stack of Shields’ books to get to know her better.

Thirteen years later, I’m still working my way through her canon, slowly and deliberately, knowing it’s finite.

And yet, I always and repeatedly go back to the “Fresh Air” interview. Perhaps the enduring appeal lies in Shields’ vulnerable and honest answers throughout the conversation; perhaps it’s the warm and engaging match of intelligence between Shields and interviewer Terry Gross. But it’s not an exaggeration to say I consider this conversation my master class in writing, work, and a well-lived life. I listen to it several times a year–whenever I need inspiration, feel discouraged with my own writing, or just need to be grounded.

I don’t have many regrets, but one is that I discovered Shields after she died, and never got to attend a reading.  And so with that, this interview (and her books) will have to do.

Listen to the full interview here:  https://www.npr.org/player/embed/1340226/1340227

Photo courtesy Carol Van Canon via Flickr Creative Commons

Being a Bridesmaid is Really Expensive

This photo shows a floral arrangement of pink roses

I’ve been a bridesmaid nine times.

Nine.

Times.

That’s a lot of dresses, made-to-order dyed shoes, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, updos, travel, and gifts. And while I’d love to tell you I was able to do each on a budget, that wouldn’t be the truth.

A few years back, I started calculating what I had spent on other people’s weddings, hit a certain nausea-inducing threshold, and just stopped.

So, real talk: Weddings are notoriously expensive, even (maybe especially) for the wedding party. But like any Grownup milestone, you can keep costs manageable with proper planning—or some tough conversations.

Read the whole story over on the Society of Grownups blog.

Yes, You Can Afford a Vacation

This photo shows a surfer heading out to the beach

Whatcha up to next Thursday? No plans for Cinco de Mayo?

Come join me and the brilliant Karen Carr at Society of Grownups for a class on planning your next vacation. We’ll talk about the benefits of travel, how to track down travel deals, and how to budget for trips both grand and low-key.

After all, next Cinco de Mayo, you could be sipping a margarita on a beach in Mexico. (We’ll talk about how to save for that.)

Save your spot here: Yes, You Can Afford a Vacation

See you soon, travelers!

Quotes I Like

This photo shows a woman sipping coffee against a red wall and red booth

I was going through some old Word documents and found a file with the same title as this blog post. When I opened it up, I found the quotes below.

I’ve collected quotes for as long as I can remember. I love the following quotes still, and think I had saved them for future inspiration. I’m sharing them here to get the creative juices flowing again.

“The pause is as important as the note.” – Truman Fisher

“I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state.” – Roger Ebert

“We hold it all for a little while/Don’t we/Kiss the dice/Taste the rain like little knives upon our tongue/We can do no wrong when the lights go on/And the music plays/And we take the stage like we own the place/As if time were cheap/And the night forever young.” – Seven Shades of Blue, Beth Nielsen Chapman

“If we are to ever evolve into a peaceful society, we must be at peace with many things we disapprove of or cannot fathom.” – Cary Tennis

“The basic idea of the film is that what identifies people is not necessarily their bodies anymore; it’s all the relationships they maintain with others. You are your area, rather than you are yourself. If someone describes you, that description becomes part of your area, whether you like it or not.” – Ryan Trecartin, quoted in “Experimental People” by Calvin Tomkins, The New Yorker, March 24, 2014

Do you collect quotes, too? Which are your favorites?

Plan Ahead and Save: Book Next Year’s Vacation Now

This photo shows a camper van in the woods

Two years ago, my family and I took our annual summer beach holiday in a (then new-to-us) vacation rental on Cape Cod. We loved its huge and airy kitchen, the pool table off the living room, and the short walk from our favorite beach. In fact, we liked the house so much that, when I went to drop off the keys at the end of the trip, I immediately asked to book the house again for the same week the following year. I had the paperwork and deposits completed by the end of the month, securing our spot 12 months in advance.

Yes, booking a year in advance may sound a little extreme. But for budgeting Grownups, advance planning can really pay off. Here are just a few reasons when it can be beneficial to make your travel reservations (really) early.

Read the full story over on the Society of Grownups blog.

Planning a Vacation with Friends? Read this First

This photo shows three women jumping together on the beach

A colleague recently returned from a much-anticipated vacation, and on her return, I asked if she enjoyed her time off. She paused a little too long before her reply, and weighed her words carefully.

“It was just ok,” she admitted. “The hotel was gorgeous and the setting was really beautiful. But … my friends and I really got on each other’s nerves. By the end of the trip, I was so ready to leave.”

 Her post-trip report got me thinking – it’s awful to have a vacation feel like wasted time (and, not to mention, wasted money). And in my many years writing about travel, I’ve heard about so many vacations going sour because the group of travelers hadn’t quite gelled as anticipated. In addition, with Americans getting such limited time off each year compared to our global counterparts, it’s imperative that we make the absolute most of our downtime for overall satisfaction, rejuvenation, and well-being.

Part of doing so is choosing the right group of people to accompany us on our vacations – and if we can’t choose all of our companions, then we can still make sure that we communicate trip plans and expectations with the whole group well in advance. In this case, honesty isn’t just the best policy – it’s also an excellent way to manage assumptions, curtail miscommunications, and minimize disappointments – thus preserving your vacation time and money spent (and maybe even your friendships in the process).

The next time you plan a vacation with friends and/or family, here are three check points to address well in advance…

Read the full story over at Ecosalon.

Photo courtesy Parapluie via Flickr Creative Commons

New, Yet Familiar

This photo shows a baby hand gripping an adult's index and middle fingers

*Dusting off some old stories…the following is a family essay from 2012.

My niece is just about four months old, the newest member of our family and the first of her generation. My sister, her mother, has been sending daily photos, and we’ve all tracked her growth via our smartphones. Day by day, slowly but surely, a personality has started to emerge – playful and goofy, determined and opinionated, sweet and curious. We assign her these traits from these still images, and the occasional brief video, quick glances of how she interacts with her parents, toys, and dog. We see her intense concentration as she studies a new toy, a look of delighted recognition as she snuggles with her father. Inevitably, the comparisons begin, text messages exchanged in response to a particularly evocative photo:

“She looks like you here!”

“This one is a dead ringer for Grandpa!”

“Doesn’t she resemble Mom in this one?”

It makes sense, in a way – she is a reflection of all who came before her, made up of the same genetic material that shaped all of us. Her furrowed brow in one snapshot brings my father to mind, her wide eyes in another are a direct translation of her own father’s. I find myself wondering, too, if there are countless expressions and details that may be mirror images of those we never met – in-laws I’m not acquainted with, but also lost generations. Does she look like my ancestors who fled Gdansk? Or perhaps those who came from Naples? These are details we can’t quite assign, but still may be expressed – and now will be attributed to her directly. I like the idea of a trait, long dormant or diluted, now suddenly rearing back to life through her.

We look for patterns and the familiar with all we encounter, even (maybe especially) with a new baby, the physical collection of all we were and the aspirational determinant of what we are to come. These initial details get her story started, and help us explain the origins of what we can see – so far.

At the same time that we play this game of genetic Memory, matching her details to those we recall from others before, I find myself eagerly anticipating when she begins to assert the traits that are wholly hers without question, the qualities that are uniquely her very own and of her choosing. Maybe she’ll be a gifted athlete, unlike her aunts and grandparents. Perhaps she’ll be artistically inclined, like her parents, but in a medium neither has tried. Or, and most likely, she’ll surprise us all with an interest that none of us anticipate – something wildly off our radar.

I expect this assertion will happen sooner rather than later. I’m reminded of my cousin, now in her twenties; she was such a memorable toddler that her young malapropisms and nicknames have been cemented in the family lexicon (e.g., “all bodies” for “everybody”, “can’t want it” for “no, thanks”). It was her unique worldview, and our delight in her presence, that shaped us, in a way, and how we communicated then and still.

I feel this mix of evocation and anticipation with each daily photograph, with each visit with my niece. It’s a privilege to get to know her, this unique little individual who will also show me and my extended family so much of, and about, ourselves. It is staggering to meet an infant and realize that we will be profoundly important to each other, for a lifetime to come.

Photo courtesy Frank Guido via Flickr Creative Commons

Should You Get a Travel Rewards Credit Card?

A free trip sounds too good to be true, right? In most cases, the promise of anything free requires a healthy dose of Grownup skepticism. But change “free” to “loyalty rewards”, specifically in terms of travel rewards credit cards, and we’ve got a different story.

Keep that skeptic hat on, though, because all cards are not created equal. And whether you can benefit from them depends entirely on you: specifically, your Grownup values, spending habits, and ability to pay off your balance each month.

If you’re interested in getting a travel rewards credit card, here’s how to get started.

Read the full story over on the Society of Grownups blog.